Humor

2020-12-14 – Christmas Pun

 

2017-02-28 – The Old Geezer –

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.  He put a sign outside that said:  “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.  Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make lots of  $$$.  So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be$500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover
his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back . That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back”
(giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart
an “Old Geezer”.

Remember: Don’t make old people mad.  We don’t like being old in the first place,
so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

2014-03-31 – Church Gossip – Irene, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old blue pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George, and several others, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny! He said nothing! Later that evening, George quietly parked his blue pickup in front of Irene’s house …. walked home …. and left it there….all night! You’ve gotta love George!

2014-03-31 – OOOPS! – The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, making lewd gestures to the guy in front of you and, cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally . . . I assumed you had stolen the car!”

2014-03-31 – Hokey Pokey Sign – You might need to be over 50 years old to get this one!  Thanks to my friend Dave Davis for passing this along!

2014-02-07 – Male Sensitivity – thanks to my good friend, Gene Johnson, for this life lesson.  (I realize that it did not originate with Gene, but he sent it to me, so there!)

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

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2014-02-07 – Children in Church – My thanks to my friend Earlene Danner for passing these  along to me.

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.  As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.  So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,  “I was being the Ring Bear.”

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 One Sunday in a Midwest City,  a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour.  The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

——

 One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

——

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry  about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

——

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

——

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam ‘s suit”.

——

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

——

 Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

——

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

——

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the  King James Virgin ?”

——

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

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2013-06-15 – Michael Davis Entertains President and Nancy Reagan at Ford’s Theater – very entertaining and funny video of a Comedy Juggler.  Click this link to view the video.

Henry’s Corner (last updated 2013-08-22)

I have a much younger friend who is the mother of a now six-year-old son, Henry.  Henry reminds me of a comic book character that also appeared in the “funny papers” in the daily and Sunday Atlanta Journal.  Henry and his Mom have such a wonderful sense of humor.  Henry’s Mom has given me permission to reproduce some of her posts about little Henry for the enjoyment of those who regularly and irregularly visit my website.  For those of you who know Henry’s Mom’s identity, please keep it to yourselves to protect her privacy.

2014-03-09 – Apologizing in Advance

Without being prompted, Henry came into the room and apologized to Shelby for some mean things he said to her earlier……….AND he went ahead and apologized for some things he might say in the future. I just told him I was proud that he was being grown up about it. I’ll go over with him later how you can’t apologize in advance for something you’re pretty sure you’re going to do in the future.

2013-11-07 – Bird & Squirrel Hunting

Henry has been bird hunting and squirrel hunting………..with a bow and arrow.  I had to help him find one of the arrows the other day and he wanted to know if there was a bird on the end of it.

2013-08-20 – Wanna play ‘police’?

Henry:  “Hey, Shelby.  Wanna play ‘police’?  I’ll be the police and you be the idiot?”

2013-07-29 – Mom’s Tired Brain

Henry can pop out questions almost faster than I can answer them.  This is what he asked the other day all within like a minute:  “Is heaven above space?  Is the devil married?  Is God?  Is Jesus?  Are these chips cooked?  Why do potatoes taste bad and those chips taste good?  Do you remember that food you made up?  How’d you make it up?  Why does feta cheese smell so bad?  Can you have a baby if you’re not married?”  My brain is tired by the time he goes to bed.

2013-06-22 – Candy

• Henry: “Pop, do you want a piece of my candy?”
• Pop: “No thanks.”
• Henry: “Good because I licked one and put it back in the bag.”

2013-06-20 – Mr. Pibb

While eating out on vacation, the waitress asked Henry “Do you want more Mr. Pibb?”  He just looked at her.  When she walked away, he looked at me and whispered “She called me Mr. Pibb.”  We obviously don’t eat out much and the kids don’t get many soft drinks:\

2013-05-19 – Important Parts

When I told Henry to get his shower he said he’s so tired could he just wash his “arm pits, crack , and hair”. Well, I have to say, he is willing to hit the most important parts.

2013-04-27 – Yearbook

Henry signed his own yearbook.  It says “I love Henry.”

2013-04-09 – Basketball

After asking a million questions about that basketball player’s broken leg, Henry says “See why I don’t play basketball? Number 1: Gangsters play basketball AaaaaND number 2: You can get a broken leg.”.

2013-03-22 – Red Lips

Henry colored so nicely some red lips for his 5 senses book he did at school. Took his time and stayed inside the lines and everything. I noticed 2 green dots on the lips. “What are those?” I asked. He replies “boogers”. Well, of course they are, son, of course they are .

2013-03-08 – Buck Teeth

Henry told me that I was “growing buck teeth”. I know I’m getting a little long in the tooth, but dang!

2013-03-06 – Playing in the Snow

Shelby and Henry might be late to school. They’re out playing in the 1/16 of an inch of snow we got last night. I’m not kidding, they really are. It’s kind of sad…..and funny at the same time.

2013-01-07 – Picking Boogers

Henry informed me the other day that he no longer picks his nose and eats his boogers. I’d like to say “you’re welcome” to his future wife.

2011-09-15 – Boy Cows

Henry wanted to know who gives milk, boy cows or girl cows. I told him only the girl cows give milk. To which he asked “so what are the boy cows for?” Did NOT want to open that can of worms w/a 4yr old.

2010-11-20 – Jail

Henry answered the phone this morning and told my sister that I wasn’t here. He told her I had gone to jail. When she asked him why I went to jail, he told her that I had stolen some of his Halloween candy. I can’t make this stuff up.

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Repairing a Broken White House Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. That’s $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. That’s $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plans work.

Senior Citizens Still Need Newspapers

I was visiting my daughter when I asked her if I could borrow her newspaper. She somewhat disgustedly said, “Mom, this is the 21st century! We don’t waste money on newspapers anymore. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this…. that fly never knew what hit him!

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”